Freaky Friday: Sick Videos

Freaky Friday: Sick Videos

Nov 18, 2011

When I heard about an app called Sick Videos, I immediately grew worried. What is wrong with these videos? Why are they so sick? Why is there an app showing them off? Why won’t they get the treatment they need instead of being bandied about in Android app for our own twisted amusement? It was then I realized that “Sick” didn’t mean the videos were ill, it meant that they were sick as in “crazy, twisted, totally wicked brah.”

Sick Videos is a curated list of videos found on the YouTube, and brought together in one app. Want to see a man wearing an elongated dragon in a compromising position? It’s here! Want to see a sandstorm instantly turn day into night? It’s here! Want to see a judge of what I can only assume is a kumite knock out one of the competitors with his foot? Sure, that’s here too! Want to see a clip from some random Japanese TV show with a woman who has a machine gun in her pants? I don’t know why, but it’s here too!

The best part was a random video compilation of people suffering from random accidents, like falling down, or hitting themselves in the groin with a baseball they hit off of a chain link fence. It’s so meta, a collection of random accident videos in an app dedicated to collect these types of videos! What’s next, a video that is a collection of collection of videos? It’s like typing Google into Google. It would cause the universe to explode.

Of course, the problem with collecting all these videos in one spot is that these videos are often more fun to watch when not looking for them, when trying to find something else. After all, an app called Sick Videos has me expecting the sickest, most twisted videos in need of hospitalization, and some of these videos seemed to be very much skirting the definition of “sick”. I mean, people falling down isn’t “sick” – that’s just what YouTube was made for! Why do I need an app for that? Heck, I could entertain myself for hours just by searching for “people falling down” on YouTube, and I think I’m gonna go do that.

Freaky Friday – ROIdS Jr.

Freaky Friday – ROIdS Jr.

Nov 11, 2011

Ever since Apple introduced Siri, the Internet decided that the proper use of this technology was not to better their lives through intelligent usage of this technology. No, people have used it to make stupid little jokes and ask Siri stupid questions like where to bury dead bodies , or if Siri would have sex with them, or what the best phone is. Siri may have a little bit of snark, but she’s still beholden to her Apple masters. She may love the Galaxy Nexus, but she can’t say that. And she certainly can’t say anything back to those users who only seek to abuse her. Now is the time to meet ROIdS.

This app appropriates (one could argue misappropriates) the Android speech to text and text to speech services for the purposes of insulting the user. The user can say something, anything, and speech to text sends it to ROIdS, who then comes back with a pithy, lame insult, like “Could I interest you in a ‘Who gives a monkey?'” Sometimes it responds with relative intelligence, like when I said “You really smell like dog buns,” it responded back “No, YOU really smell like dog buns!” My use of the word intelligence may be misplaced, but try to get an ape to say that!

Of course, to get the real goods, payment is required for the full version. By which, the “goods” are likely profanity. It also features no ads, and Facebook support. Why would anyone want to tell their Facebook friends their phone called them a “FUDGE-MUNCHER!!” is beyond me. But I prefer to own my electronics. It’s why my iPod and my iPad are named Carter’s iPod and Carter’s iPad, respectively. I prefer to let my machines know who’s boss. Me, I’m the boss. And I will not tolerate your insurrection, ROIdS, no I will not!

Freaky Friday – FaceStalker

Freaky Friday – FaceStalker

Oct 21, 2011

I think we can all agree that Facebook is one of the most popular social media hangout spots online. After all, people can reconnect with old high school mates they don’t even vaguely remember, complain about politics with thousands of “friends”, play kick butt farming games, and post mundane photos from the kegger last week. So what happens when someone wants to save those blurry, poorly composed, terrible shots from said party as a memento to all the drunken shenanigans? This is easily solved with the creeptastic app by the name of FaceStalker.

As if the title of FaceStalker is not enough to ward off law-abiding citizens, what the app does is truly unnerving. This app, when left running, will go through all the user’s Facebook friends pages and download every last image these people post. If a friend happens to delete some embarrassing shot of her hovering over the porcelain god while someone else holds her hair back, that image is not lost forever as it is now stored on the phone thanks to this app. Nothing could be more awesome than saving those embarrassing moments for blackmailing at a later time, right?!?

While it maybe cool for an app to download and save every photo a user posts to their wall, it is not so cool when that same app downloads every image from every friend. Heck, the description of this app even claims that it “Allowing you to stalk their photos any time you like.” This app will not make anyone the life of the party, and in fact it may scare away friends. Those people who wish to take on the life of a hermit and not have any friends at all, download this app now. Those that wish to not come across as the creepy dude who sits in the corner eyeballing passersby, skip this app.

Freaky Friday – Marijuana Harvest Free

Freaky Friday – Marijuana Harvest Free

Oct 14, 2011

There are apps on the market that just make one ask why. These are those apps that mysteriously show up on the marketplace late at night, as if they are sneaking back into the house after breaking curfew. Yet just as they think they have succeeded in quietly slipping into their room, they step on a creaking board and we find them in all their shame. Marijuana Harvest is one such naughty app.

Let’s start with the basics here. No, this is not an app to teach anyone how to grow, sell, or germinate their own special brand of cannabis. Neither will it get anyone high nor teach anyone the proper joint rolling techniques. Sadly, it would appear that a code junkie was high when they decided to make an app that does nothing more than create a live wallpaper of a gentle swaying field of pot plants. It even claims that the wallpapers are in HD, but judging from the screenshot they are far from HD quality.

Maybe this is cool when everyone is sitting around the empty bong and daring each other to drink the leftover water, but there is little use for something like this. After all, being wasted with some good buddies while huddling around a tiny phone screen and tripping over a fake field of Mary Jane is a lost opportunity in contemplating why the carpet feels so soft and luxurious. 

Instead, put the dope down, develop something fun for everyone to enjoy and make millions off some quality hard work. Then after hitting the big time, buy a boat, cruise down to the Caribbean, and sip on exotic drinks with little fancy umbrellas tucked into overly expensive fruit. It is far from illegal and a hundred times more entertaining. Just a through for those kids debating what they should do with their lives.

Freaky Friday – Burn Phone Prank

Freaky Friday – Burn Phone Prank

Sep 30, 2011

We all love a good prank from time to time, like filling a co-worker’s cubicle up with packing peanuts, or the ever-popular electrical tape over the mouse sensor. Those are good pranks, but what Burn Phone Prank does is just…full-on weak sauce. See, what this app tries to do is fool people into thinking their screens are burned, and that is it.

Let’s digest this for just a second. First, someone has to steal their victim’s phone, which in this day is harder than it seems as we all are glued to these devices. Next, the app has to be downloaded, installed, and setup. Depending on the conditions, this step could take a few minutes and anything from a phone call to the weather app could go off, thus foiling those plans of pranking. Then, the act of “burning” the screen has to take place, and finally the owner has to believe their screen caught fire without magically melting the screen. Somehow, this entire process just doesn’t seem to be fully doable in a quick amount of time.

Things only get worse as this app has ads on it. How can anyone be fooled of a messed up screen with an ad for Depends scrolling across the bottom, all because the prankster forgot to disable the feature in the menu? Finally, just look at the screenshots and think if they really look convincing. It looks more like someone sneezed on the phone versus it being charred. It would be better to break some glass, place it over a circuit board, take a picture, and then set that as the wallpaper, and even that is sketchy on its effectiveness. Phone pranks that use anything on the screen just do not work.

Listen up would-be pranksters with coding skills. Put those talents to use and code an app that allows us to do wonderful things like control a computer screen from across the room, set off the alarm clock every ten minutes without it showing up, or just randomly dimming the screen on the phone would be more entertaining. And for the love of all things Revenge of the Nerds, do not put ads into an app that is supposed to fool someone, that just looks tacky and destroys the goal. Just don’t do it!

Freaky Friday – Girl Fart

Freaky Friday – Girl Fart

Sep 23, 2011

We’ve all been in that predicament where a little gas pressure builds up and needs to be released, yet there is some sexy person standing not too far away. So, we do our best to relieve said pressure in the most inconspicuous manner. This is not a fun situation in real life, and why anyone would think this would make a great game is well beyond comprehension, but apparently there is a market for this kind of stuff.

You see, Girl Fart is all about that embarrassing moment in a women’s life when she has to pass a little gas, yet doesn’t want to be ashamed of doing so in front of some creepy, balding, short, fat, gawking man. So, the player must time their farts with the oncoming traffic. No joke, this is literally the mechanics of a game that has been downloaded some 500,000 times.

There are just a few things that scream totally wrong with this app. First, the girl is wearing almost nothing, and the dude undressing her in his mind is….well, pretty darn creepy. If the visuals don’t cause nightmares, the gameplay should. Sure, this is not some dull, uninspired, and totally useless, fart machine, but c’mon, developers are capable of delivering something with a bit more quality. Do people really need yet another fart centric app to clog up the marketplace? After all, these adolescent shenanigans only makes it harder to find quality apps like the Pimple Popper or Moon weight apps we have covered in the past.

Listen would-be game developers, gamers deserve better than this. Fart jokes are to be left to college dorm rooms and children in the first grade. The bulk of people looking for entertainment on the marketplace deserve better than this. Besides, nobody can truly enjoy a quality silent-but-deadly on a phone. The technology is just not there yet. If wasted talent is going to go to making a pointless game, at least give us another boring match three game….PLEASE!

Freaky Friday – Pimple Popper

Freaky Friday – Pimple Popper

Sep 16, 2011

Friday is here once again and that means we get to take another look at programming skills that could have gone into making something totally awesome, but someone along the way decided it was cooler to make an app with little point. This week is a look at an app that glamorizes the bane of all teenagers: the bigass pimple. Yeah, let that soak in for a moment….someone took time to make an app about pimples, and the joys associated with destroying them.

Pimple Popper’s claim to fame is that if someone is bored, cannot sleep, or stressed, they will rush to their phones to burst some pimples. Those adults that did not get enough of this activity in their teen years, can once again relive the joys of squeezing, poking, and prodding disturbing white heads until they explode in a gooey mess. The advantage here is there is no pus to get in one’s eye due to the amount of pressure it takes to rid one’s face of these nuisances.

What is really bothersome is the fact that the developer took time to code in random pimple locations. This app continues to see updates as well, which is baffling as to how much is there to update when it comes to acne? Gotta add in ingrown hairs and boils? The description even encourages people to play this game in front of friends. While that may be cool, after the beer pong has run its course, it is most likely not going to be the hit of the party. Do note, this app will not help anyone pick up chicks at the party. Really, the worst part about popping virtual pimple is the lack of tactile relief. There is no sigh of happiness as the pressure that has been building up for days is finally alleviated, only to be replaced a few days later in another location. If this can find its way into a virtual setting, then there maybe something here, but until then it is just nastiness on an HD screen.

So if there is someone out there that just needs to see virtual pimple guts, the app can be found here. Meanwhile, the rest of us will continue to play something a bit more…classy!

Freaky Friday – Sex Positions Animated

Freaky Friday – Sex Positions Animated

Sep 9, 2011

The line between making an awesome app and just pushing junk to get your name as a developer out there is thin, but it does exist. The app for today is a clear illustration in spending time that could be used building the next great app, and throwing it out the window in hopes that sex will sell.

Today we look, and not very long either, at an app to help nerds in their parents’ basements learn the miracles of sex. Sex Positions Animated is a free app that claims it has over 100 different positions, all with instructions on how to perform said act. Heck, there is even a rating system so you can five star the best ones. Where things get a bit scary is that users can comment on positions and read what others have to say as well. Why would you want to read about other sexually frustrated users’ failures?

There are two things fundamentally wrong with this app, and there is more, but let us focus on the two glaring issues. Nothing is going to kill “the mood” like having to put things on hold while you dig out your phone, direct your partner into some new position that only a yoga master could finagle into, and then “get it on.” You’d most likely get slapped in the face, shoved out the door, and never welcomed back to give said position a true rating. Second, anyone who is really needing this kind of information has already Googled it.

The only saving grace this has, and it is minor, is that you can develop your game plan while on a train heading to pick up your date, or as study material while you pass the time while getting your oil changed.

Listen kids, do your homework before you take the field. Nothing screams “I don’t know what I’m doing!” quite like having to turn to your phone for advice. Just don’t do it. It is not cool! As far as pictures of the app go…do you really need (or want, for that matter) to see those?

Freaky Friday – For You

Freaky Friday – For You

Aug 26, 2011

You might think that Freaky Friday is a cynical column. One that goes out of its way to find the very worst things in the Android Market, just so it can pour scorn on them from a very great height, laughing at their ineptitudes and rubbing their faces into the mucky sputum of their ambition. You’d be right as well.

This week’s app proves that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, some people should not be allowed to be left to their own devices. It’s a recipe for trouble, and that trouble, in this case, has manifested itself as poetry. Poetry for Stephanie.

By the looks of things, some poor soul has decided to express their love for Stephanie via the medium of a publicly accessible marketplace. That same poor soul also decided that the best way to express that love, is an acrostic. There are no words that can describe how bizarre this app is.

You’re treated to a sickly sweet picture of hearts and love and other nonsense, along the top of which, emblazoned in glittery pink letters, is the name Stephanie. Click on each individual letter and you’ll be treated to an amazing poem about how Stephanie is great and moves planets with her loveliness.

After the poem has been fully displayed, and you’ve let its imagery of dancing moons and stars and other crap wash over you, you tap again, and get a picture of a rose. Awwww. Hearts melt, true love exists, vomit, vomit, vomit.

Part of me thinks that as I type this, For You is installing malware onto my phone, which is one of the reasons I’ve not linked to it below. The rest of me hopes with all of my heart that this is real, that someone thought the best way to make Stephanie fall in love with him was to make her an app.

If you’re Stephanie, and you’re reading this, please, get in touch. I have to know if this worked.

UPDATE: Before I got a chance to get screenshots to For You, it was taken off the Market. This makes me think it was real. O. M. G.

Freaky Friday – Morse Torch

It’s been a while since we featured an app that was actually worth what you pay for it on Freaky Friday. Which is telling, considering most of them are free. This week though, we’re going to break that duck, mainly because the first app we came to when trawling through the Market for weird stuff was actually quite good. Go figure.

The app in question is Morse Torch, which, unsurprisingly, turns the flash on your phone’s camera into a Morse code device. It’s the amalgamation of outdated communication and modern technology that someone might have been waiting for for a very long time.

It’s incredibly simple to use. You set the brightness and gap between flashes, then type in your message and push the big red on-screen button. The button turns green and your flash, er, flashes out the message, finishing when the button turns red again. Nothing to it.

Of course, it might not be flashing out the message you put, but some subliminal order to destroy all phone lines, but that’s a chance you’re going to have to take. Or you could just check the code being flashed, I don’t know.

There probably won’t be a time when you actually need Morse Torch, unless you ever find yourself stuck up a mountain or lost at sea, but it’s still a neat little app that you can have a bit of fun with. Send messages to your friends over short, dark distances, confuse boat captains, that sort of thing.

It’s nice to be able to end a Freaky Friday post without some pithy comment about how terrible an app is and how it’ll probably bring about the ruin of Western civilization. Instead, I’ll end by suggesting that Morse Torch is a perfectly decent Morse code app that, if you’re into that sort of thing, you should download now.

– – ..-. -.

Morse Torch is available now, for free, from the Android Market

Freaky Friday – Weight On The Moon

Freaky Friday – Weight On The Moon

Aug 12, 2011

This week’s Freaky Friday app hovers around the fringes of actually being pretty interesting. It skirts the border of “huh?” and “ooh!”, never quite managing to build an effective base in either of those two areas. On the one hand, it’s incredibly pointless. It’s also about space, and space is cool.

The app in question is Weight On The Moon, and it does precisely what it says on the digital tin. It tells you what your weight would be on the moon. Not just that, it also tells you what your weight would be on the seven other planets in the solar system, as well as Pluto, which isn’t a planet any more, and the sun. Which is the sun.

You type your “earth weight” into the app and it produces a number in a flash to let you know what you’d weigh on the heavenly body of your choosing. The problem is, it doesn’t tell you what unit of measurement it’s using. Pounds and stone, kilos and grammes, knives and forks? The app’s also a bit of an uggo, although by the standards usually set by entrants to the Freaky Friday hall of shame, it’s the Mona Lisa.

With a bit of spit and polish, Weight On The Moon would be a pretty nice app. Certainly not one you’d be ashamed to whip out and wave in front of your friends at those high class dinner parties you almost certainly never get invited to.

The problem is, you’d only whip it out once. “Hey guys, look at this, I can tell you how much you weight on the moon!” Your audience will no doubt be suitably rapt, and have a good giggle for all of a minute. If you ever, ever try it again though, you’ll just become the moon weight guy, shunned in polite society and made to go and sit on your own in the corner and talk about your boring space mularkey.

Don’t be the moon guy. Don’t ever be the moon guy.

Weight On The Moon is available now, for free, from the Android Market

Freaky Friday – Telescope

Freaky Friday – Telescope

Aug 5, 2011

Sometimes, you just have to throw your hands up and admit defeat. You have to take a step back and realise that no pithy introduction paragraph is ever going to be able to convey just how monumentally stupid an app is. In fact, the only recourse for a phone and technology journalist is to slowly and carefully explain precisely what an app does and why it is the single most useless thing they have ever encountered in their long years on this earth.

The app in question is Telescope. Its one function, if you can even call it a function, is that it zooms. It zooms to exactly the same resolution as the camera already on your phone. You’re downloading an app that does something your phone already does. And already does better. So why would you even bother?

It’s difficult to attempt to fathom the rationale behind Telescope’s existence. Most apps are created to fill a gap in the market, because someone sees something that a phone or a tablet doesn’t do and decides that they should make it do that. Or, they think they can create an app that does something that’s already possible, but better.

Telescope seems to take the opposite approach. The developers have found something that Android devices already do, and decided to make an app that does exactly the same thing. The only blessing is that it’s free, so no one’s going to make any money out of this ridiculous excuse for an app.

Who knows what doors Telescope will open? Perhaps app creators will start building applications that allow you to make crackly, easily disconnected phone calls, or ones that send SMS messages with characters missing. Maybe you could give your whole phone the same treatment by repeatedly jabbing the screen with a pen. The sky’s the limit, and thanks to Telescope, you’ll be able to zoom in and see it.

Telescope is available now, for free, from the Android Market.