Freaky Friday – For You

Freaky Friday – For You

Aug 26, 2011

You might think that Freaky Friday is a cynical column. One that goes out of its way to find the very worst things in the Android Market, just so it can pour scorn on them from a very great height, laughing at their ineptitudes and rubbing their faces into the mucky sputum of their ambition. You’d be right as well.

This week’s app proves that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, some people should not be allowed to be left to their own devices. It’s a recipe for trouble, and that trouble, in this case, has manifested itself as poetry. Poetry for Stephanie.

By the looks of things, some poor soul has decided to express their love for Stephanie via the medium of a publicly accessible marketplace. That same poor soul also decided that the best way to express that love, is an acrostic. There are no words that can describe how bizarre this app is.

You’re treated to a sickly sweet picture of hearts and love and other nonsense, along the top of which, emblazoned in glittery pink letters, is the name Stephanie. Click on each individual letter and you’ll be treated to an amazing poem about how Stephanie is great and moves planets with her loveliness.

After the poem has been fully displayed, and you’ve let its imagery of dancing moons and stars and other crap wash over you, you tap again, and get a picture of a rose. Awwww. Hearts melt, true love exists, vomit, vomit, vomit.

Part of me thinks that as I type this, For You is installing malware onto my phone, which is one of the reasons I’ve not linked to it below. The rest of me hopes with all of my heart that this is real, that someone thought the best way to make Stephanie fall in love with him was to make her an app.

If you’re Stephanie, and you’re reading this, please, get in touch. I have to know if this worked.

UPDATE: Before I got a chance to get screenshots to For You, it was taken off the Market. This makes me think it was real. O. M. G.

Freaky Friday – Dreamboy Calculator

Freaky Friday – Dreamboy Calculator

Jul 1, 2011

Oh, calculations; where would we be without them? No doubt we would be spinning helplessly into the endless abyss of not really understanding things. That said, there are some things that not only don’t require calculation, but that, by their very nature, are incalculable. I’m talking, of course, about love.

Unfortunately, this week’s Freaky Friday app disagrees with me. It thinks that with the application of rigorous numerical tests, love can easily be worked out. All you need are a few statistics referring to your intended and a few statistics referring to your self and hey presto, Bob’s your uncle, love will happen. What a spectacular load of old nonsense.

When you add to that bucket of ridiculousness that fact that Dreamboy Calculator is obviously a straight, lazy port of an iPhone app, and you can see why it’s made it onto our whirlwind of the wrong.

The app allows you to keep track of your dreamboy matches, add them from your contacts and compare them against your own preferences. Say you want a rich boy with no sense of humour, then you rate your dream boys with sliding scales and see which of them is the richest and most boring. Yay, instant matches!

Of course, if they’re in your contact book, you could just text them and ask if they want to go and get a drink. That way, you can find out for yourself, sans calculations, whether or not they’re your dream boy. I mean, they’re probably not, but it’s worth a shot, right?

Dreamboy Calculator is stupid, vacuous and shallow and a fine example of everything that’s wrong with the world. All right, maybe not everything, but definitely the bits that involve love and relationships and common decency.

Or maybe I’m just upset because it said my dream boy match was only 19%. Dammit, I thought me and hypothetical Jonny were going to be together forever.

Dreamboy Calculator is available now, for free, from the Android Market