Freaky Friday – For You

Freaky Friday – For You

Aug 26, 2011

You might think that Freaky Friday is a cynical column. One that goes out of its way to find the very worst things in the Android Market, just so it can pour scorn on them from a very great height, laughing at their ineptitudes and rubbing their faces into the mucky sputum of their ambition. You’d be right as well.

This week’s app proves that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, some people should not be allowed to be left to their own devices. It’s a recipe for trouble, and that trouble, in this case, has manifested itself as poetry. Poetry for Stephanie.

By the looks of things, some poor soul has decided to express their love for Stephanie via the medium of a publicly accessible marketplace. That same poor soul also decided that the best way to express that love, is an acrostic. There are no words that can describe how bizarre this app is.

You’re treated to a sickly sweet picture of hearts and love and other nonsense, along the top of which, emblazoned in glittery pink letters, is the name Stephanie. Click on each individual letter and you’ll be treated to an amazing poem about how Stephanie is great and moves planets with her loveliness.

After the poem has been fully displayed, and you’ve let its imagery of dancing moons and stars and other crap wash over you, you tap again, and get a picture of a rose. Awwww. Hearts melt, true love exists, vomit, vomit, vomit.

Part of me thinks that as I type this, For You is installing malware onto my phone, which is one of the reasons I’ve not linked to it below. The rest of me hopes with all of my heart that this is real, that someone thought the best way to make Stephanie fall in love with him was to make her an app.

If you’re Stephanie, and you’re reading this, please, get in touch. I have to know if this worked.

UPDATE: Before I got a chance to get screenshots to For You, it was taken off the Market. This makes me think it was real. O. M. G.

Freaky Friday – Pocket Girlfriend

Freaky Friday – Pocket Girlfriend

May 20, 2011

For this week’s Freaky Friday column, we’ve plumbed the very deepest depths of the Android Market and found an app that does almost exactly what you’d expect an app called Pocket Girlfriend to do – it puts a girlfriend in your pocket. Except it doesn’t, because real girls don’t fit in pockets. Trust me, in the interests of fact checking, I tried.

Pocket Girlfriend instead turns your smartphone into a dull peep show, that shows the same girl writhing around “erotically” on a loop. You can change the costume she wears, depending on what sort of “date” you’re “taking” her on. One of the costumes has nipple tassles. Exciting.

Of course, because this is Pocket Girlfriend and not Pocket Pervert, you can also talk to your digital better half. She’ll reply with any one of a number of toe curlingly misogynistic lines about sport or beer or sex or how wonderful a boyfriend you are. Maybe Pocket Ego Massager would be a better name.

In a bizarre twist of inter-dimensional wizardry, the app also gives you a link to the twitter feed of the model who “plays” your “girlfriend”. It’s at that point that things start to get ever so slightly stalker-y. Bored of watching a woman you’ll never meet wiggle around provocatively, then why not go find out what she had for breakfast this morning…

If you’re the sort of person who thinks that interpersonal relationships are a massive chore, or who finds themselves incapable of talking to anyone due to crippling shyness, then you still shouldn’t download Pocket Girlfriend. In fact, if you’re anyone, you probably shouldn’t download it.

Even if it wasn’t for the creepy overtones, Pocket Girlfriend would deserve its place in our breakdown of the bizarre; the word girlfriend has never been so utterly misused. If the developers had been honest and called it Pocket Gyrating Model That You’ll Look At Once, Be A Bit Disappointed With And Then Uninstall, then it wouldn’t be quite so upsetting. Maybe that name was just too long, who knows?

Pocket Girlfriend is available now on the Android Market.

Freaky Friday – Easy Knot Guides

Freaky Friday – Easy Knot Guides

May 6, 2011

Hello, and welcome to the first instalment of Freaky Friday, a new column that’s going to take a look in the gloomier corners of the Android Market and dig out some apps and games that might have passed you by. To be honest, they’ve probably passed you by because they’re obscure, useless, weird or a bit scary, but that’s not going to stop us trying them out for your benefit.

We start off with an app that’s likely to appeal to the nautical amongst you, or those who want to make sure that their victims aren’t going to escape from the basement any time soon; Easy Knots Guide. If you’re sick of your friends mocking you because you don’t know the difference between a Farrimond Friction hitch and a Halter hitch, then this is the app for you.

All of the classic knots are included, with pictures, in depth descriptions and a detailed etymology explaining the roots of the name of each knot – if you love knots, then there’s a lot here to get your teeth into. That said, if you love knots, you probably already know all of this, because you love knots.

The app is ad supported, but unfortunately, none of the ads are for knot related products, which has to go down as a black mark against Easy Knot Guides’ name. Imagine if, whilst reading about the perfect way to tie a Bimini Twist, you were presented with a link to a shop that sells ropes and other knotting paraphernalia – synergy in action, I think you’ll agree.

Of course, Easy Knot Guides has real world applications, especially – in fact, primarily – for those of us who never learnt how to tie knots. It earns its place as the inaugural Freak Friday app because, in a world where we spend most of our time firing birds at pigs or using the GPS locator in our phone to tell the universe where we are, a world where we can, in a matter of seconds type into a search engine and find out anything we want about all of the knots that have ever existed, someone decided that what we really needed was an app that collated part of that information.

Easy Knot Guides fits snugly onto our wall of weird because it’s so niche – it’s an app that you might use once, then forget about forever. No one ever won their true love’s heart by tying them a perfect Alpine Butterfly, but if you’re out on the go and you’ve foolishly left all of your knot tying books at home, a quick glance at your phone means you’ll be able to lash something to something else, no problem.

Easy Knot Guides is available now, for free, from the Android Market.