Apr 22, 2014
Family Guy is a TV show that jumped the shark about three episodes in, but for some reason is still on air. The show is about 25% awkward and “random” character development, 75% meta-jokes, and 100% jokes Simpsons already did better fifteen years ago. Its transition into video games goes exactly as you might expect, with one game being worse than the other, but Family Guy: The Quest For Stuff definitely takes the cake. A mossy cake, full of spiders and pox. Frankly, maybe Family Guy itself isn’t that bad — maybe my memory of it is simply corrupted after playing this abomination.
Family Guy: The Quest For Stuff identifies itself as an adventure game, but it’s nowhere close to being a game. Someone butchered a free-to-play title, took out the most annoying parts while leaving the base game out, and stitched them together like some sort of legless homunculus that falls flat and begins to smell after a couple of minutes.
The gameplay is, for the most part, absent. The player needs to help various Family Guy characters restore Quahog after an accident by completing their “missions”. The “missions” consist of clicking on different “dispensers” and characters at timed and steadily decreasing pace, while looking at primitive animations for two hours before getting a minuscule advancement in one of the never-ending chains of quests, the only award for completing which is a couple of offbeat jokes about as old as their target audience, and a short sound-bite from the show. Then a new location is unlocked with another character that has another set of quests and another couple of jokes, about as funny as Christmas in a burn ward. Indeed, they are actually worse than that one.
I guess the writing in Family Guy: The Quest For Stuff isn’t completely bad, at least in comparison to the show, but the game is absolutely horrendous. I could easily imagine this sorry excuse for a game being a parody of the free-to-play Farmville simulators, and knowing Family Guy, I’ve played for a while, expecting there to be a punchline – but in the end, the only thing that got punched was my face, because I thought that knocking myself out would be a better time investment. It’s the worst kind of cash-grabbing piece of micro-transactionairy snail-paced crap that tries to hide its complete lack of sense and shame behind the hipster “I’m smarter than myself” attitude and obsession with its own memes. So, not entirely different from watching Family Guy.